Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Ups & Downs ... Emotions

I feel so down today, after waking up from another dream with Trevor in it.

Is it just starting to hit me? the aftermath of it all? ( I have to remember to breathe )

My dream took place outside of my old house in the yard. I was with Trevor. It was a Lee Family get together. I scold Trevor, asking him why he brought me there, wondering was it because he couldn't face everyone without me. He tells me he's still very confused about everything but he knows he misses me he asks me to simply tell him what to do. I do. I tell him as long as he lives at home, we can never move forward. ( I guess he chose what he felt where he was happiest. My heart this whole time is blank, I feel no sadness no warmth. Is it because I feel that he just threw us away? That his tries only felt as though they were attempts? I start to wonder where exactly did our love start fading. I felt it two years ago and I asked for changes, I took my heart out and placed it wholeheartedly back into our relationship. Only to get this. ) He tells me please and that he was sorry. We walk out to everyone. Their Hellos and Smiles do it for me. I'm happy to see them as they are to see me since I have already accepted them as family and I've come to feel as though they have also embraced me in as well. We walk around the side of the house holding small floor mats ( you know the ones you put in the washrooms, the soft ones. ) Everyone's laid them down one by one starting from one corner of the front yard to the others. I do so as well. Me and Trevor lay our mats down side by side and we all sit down in front of the setting sun, anticipating for something to happen. I have no idea what we are waiting for.

I wake up. I fall in and out of consciousness, dreaming here and there.
I feel sad. Am I done? Is it time to simply move on? Or do I wait for the man that I have ever truly loved to come back? *I feel like my heart's breaking all over again and I start crying* Breathe. Control. ZEN.

I'm going for a run.
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