Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Relapse of Feelings

For last couple of days I've felt that. My mind was really starting to get over things to let go. I was preparing myself to let go and move on. Brad's frankness made me realized this, but I realized last night after chatting with Rob that I am far from it. Today at work I came to terms that I should not forget that I need to get myself back to a healthy weight and when I do then I can go for a full physical. Only then when I find out if I'm all alright and that health issue that comes and goes is really nothing. Then I will fully commit again, because I can't if I'm not at the best on my own terms. If I go in half-heartedly, then I will just be lying to myself and the other person in the relationship. I know beating away guys with a stick is not a nice thing to do, to lead them on to believe that something will happen when it won't is worse. It's hard to say that my mind says move on when my heart says stand still. I can't remain at a stand still in this imaginary plain of whiteness, standing at this fine line forever. Looking back onto the person I just last gave so much of my heart to. Hoping he would come back. Thinking and believe he will is like lying to my soul that everything will be okay when it won't. I can't lie to myself. I know this.

My mind is filled with logic and I think of all the possibilities and it knows that I cannot hold on forever.

My heart is tied to that fine line like a puppet on a string. I know the more I tug, it will eventually snap.

You know that quote that everyone seems to know, "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." I hardly believe this. This saying is full of shit. It doesn't kill you, it breaks you piece by piece. Your world can grow or become smaller due to it. That goes for your heart as well. I've always tried to be so full of cheer and love, and so much of it has been chipped away to the core. My emotions are not the same as they used to be. I don't know if I'm weaker or more emotionless to certain things. What I have left I don't even know anymore. I feel like I need to open up now more than ever just to prove that I still have a heart that does have love, which needs to be loved as well.

Single life is rougher than I remember it to be. I feel like I don't even know how to play the game anymore and it's confusing me. Maybe I just need a guy who's willing to fight for me first, before I give my all to fight for him.

*rant rant rant* Time to make some chocolate chip cookies for the world.
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