Thursday, January 14, 2010

Always Thinking What If

I thought a lot today at work and on the train. I thought about Jon and our deal of not talking to one another for a week. Then I remembered it was his birthday Tomorrow. Should I call and say happy birthday or text. I thought about everything he was going through. It must be so rough. If I can help him out while boosting my portfolio, why not. He makes money as I make money.

I thought on the train about being on PoF. There are some risks being me, But look at me. I blog and youtube. Being signed on an online dating thing to meet new people to make new friends. Is this what I get for never becoming a clubber, or a social butterfly through the years? But the truth is, some of my greatest friends that I've come to always talk and keep in contact with were friends I met through online. Asian Avenue... oh you. DC is still in the back of my head. But I'm always thinking What IF, I'm preparing myself for the worse for rejection. I hate that word. REJECTION. Let alone to feel this, but to inflict it also hurts my heart.

I missed the bus going home and decided to go shopping. I finally buy those bedsheets I wanted. :) the ones I got now are too colorful for my liking. I just settled and bought them cause they were cheap. The X had picked them out. They don't even go with my room really. I never wanted to settle for them but I want to sleep and indulge in my bed. Since I'm so addicted to it.

Was messaging with friends who are so funny. Some of them make me laugh out loud. I love it. To smile ... to feel ... happy. Single hood. Is hard when you've become so addicted to the things of couple hood. I just don't like going through things on my own. I realized this. Happy moments and Sad moments. There should always be someone there for you, a support system. It's like that movie. About A Boy, what they say in the movie "No Man Is An Island".

Today is a sad day for me. Someone I feel is a great person can't be friends with me cause they want something that I don't really feel I can live up to at the moment, or even in the near future. I can't right now cause my heart really does lie with DC till he tells me if he wants to be with me or not. But like I said, I'm always thinking of what if. I'm building that support system to catch me if things don't turn out the way I feel it should. Cause the truth is... life will throw unexpected things at us all the time.

I think What IF a lot. especially. what if I am sick. I have yet to feel 100% yet. Though I am better than the last. Another symptom is still with me. Not the best to feel a little pain everyday. I keep it to myself cause I really don't like to talk about it. If I go to the doctors and they tell me the worse of the worse. Do I fight it? If I fight it... will I survive? If I have it, how to I tell everyone.. my boss, my parents ... my friends? If I don't have it ... What's making me sick? I've changed my diet to the extreme. I may break it once a week but I watch everything I eat. I've worked my body to be stronger yet still get stomach aches now and then. The symptoms that come and go every other day and why everyday I feel more tired out. Why I'm hungry and would feel nauseous, think if food and I'm nauseous. ... I think about this everyday. I cry a little too sometimes. I try so hard not to, I pretend nothing is wrong. I am SO thankful for the days when everything does go right! SO THANKFUL. But I still push a little longer before I have to book that date to see the man / woman in the white coat.
I am SO scared.
Am I thinking about it too much?

Maybe I should just step back. From everyone right now.
Maybe I should just stop...

Does it make sense now?
Why I lost the weight, focused on Cardio, Started to eat healthy.
Why I blog, why I started to youtube, why I paint again, why I sing, why I song write, why I want to finish my book, why I keep creating. Why I'm not afraid to pursue who I want to pursue and the things I want to, why I keep going...

cause I'm still here.
I'm Still Here.
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