Monday, January 11, 2010

Ignored

That is what I feel like. From DC... ignored. I'm okay but I'm kinda hurt.
OK lets press play now.

I was walking to the bus stop this morning and I exit my house to spot a pair of runners that I had been secretly hoping that they would meet. It's cute. I smile. There has been this old man and this old lady that go running in the morning. I never seen them together before and I always would say Good Morning to them as I walked by on my way to the bus stop. The old lady would always be ahead of the guy. I had secretly thought it would be wonderful if the two met. But today they were speed walking together away down the hill away from my house :) . Soon after I turn my block and something on the road catches my attention. Curiosity... UGH. I look down thinking maybe someone lost a glove... only to find that it was a dead rat! Gross! Yet I felt kind of sad. I've been this way for a while now. Since the beginning of Summer I guess. I feel bad when I see a dead crow, or rat, or even when I step on a snail. I feel so awful, it's so awful to hear the crushing of the shell that you just created! that you just killed a snail! *sigh* Yeah... well I continue on my way. I make it this time to the normal bus I should always take that goes straight the train. The bus is filled with students. I can barely get on and fit now a days. Why are our bus' still running every half an hour, I have no clue. Nothing new happens besides the fact that I write the rest of the song I came up with last night and finish it on the train. This one is a good one too. I feel weird the whole day wearing loose fitting clothes. even something that was once skin tight on me a couple weeks ago is now loose. WHAT'S GOING ON! *sigh* I didn't think I would lose much more in my arms and legs but I did. stomach. when are you going? I'm feeling really close to 100% today. Until a little after lunch. Around 2, I go to the bathroom and whatnot and put on makeup. I was feeling a bit... PALE. A symptom comes back that I've been dealing with and I get a bit freaked. I'd been so good the last couple months. Just recovering from feeling so sick and this happens. I'm not so happy. I want to cry but I can't cause I really don't want to. I suck it up and put on make up. I come back... I sit down and work on the identity package I'm working on I start messaging with Ed, I want to cry. I try not to. I tell him my secret, I've known Ed for more than ten years plus, but I've spoke to him so often that it doesn't even feel like it was that long ago that I last saw him. I tell him cause he's close yet not that close. I come to realize he's the 6th / 7th to know my secret. My Fear. He agrees to go with me when I get checked up. All I got to do is call him up. ♥ He's a great friend. I finish up my work and stay 45 mins later to wrap it up. I hand in my paper for the health benefit from work. I'll be waiting on that. I'm tired by the end of work. It's not 5pm and I'm tired. I haven't even done anything! I'm kinda upset with myself. On the train going home. I sit for a bit then offer up my seat to an old lady. Even though I'm tired, I know I can stand it through. I can stand lady, it's quite alright, just let me stand while I still can. I look strangely into the reflection in the sky train window. I don't look like me anymore. I don't know what is the "me" I remember.. what I looked like before? I guess I remember the rounder me. The fatter me. Jon has not messaged me all day. I'm worried. Maybe my words were too harsh. I thought about it on the way home. I thought... Who am I to tell him to stop. To Let Go. I take it back. I want to tell him. Be Glad. Take hold of what you still can. Be glad and try to take time and place it on your side. Take time and use it wisely. Love wisely, not blindly. Because you have the power of your life in your hands. But then again those two things are so hard to control. SO powerful and difficult. We give ourselves the benefit of the doubt that we control our time, but we never can control time itself. But do we? Do we control our own time? The truth is we can only do so much.

Do or Die Mode: Do it now or Die never having tried.
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