Friday, January 01, 2010

Reflections Of Then To Now

I spent the last couple hours taking a step back. At first I cried for me. Then I cried for them. Who them? I'm reading the first book of a four volume book which was created and compiled by three authors, one of the three was my teacher when I went to the AI of V. After stopping around half way of the first volume, after swearing here and there from disbelief, shedding some tears here and there. I came to realize I should be grateful. I never lived in war, I was never raped, I was never beaten to the point of near death, I should be grateful for what I do have. I am.

Then I break again, I cry because of the thought that I can't love the person I want to love. The person I've wanted to love for so long. I think about one of my biggest secrets. I wonder should I break it, just tell everyone. It's not much of a secret since a handful of people know now. This secret is just a thought but it pushes me to be how I am now. It makes so much sense to those who know. Why I'm so honest, ambitious and why I've been in a constant motion of moving forward. Why I'm working harder, smarter, and why I'm not afraid to keep striving for everything that are my goals because this secret scares me...to death.

I've stopped crying now. This secret always brings me back to a place in me where I can't cry, I can't show weakness. I can't have it break me.

Hugh's words pop into my head. His theory for relationships.
"Work It Out" or "Fuck It".
If you don't want to fuck it, work it out.
If you don't want to work it out, fuck it.
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