Sunday, May 09, 2010

What's Going On With Me?

I'm feeling emotionally fine. Happy with myself now... happy about being just with me. But if it's not stress... what is triggering my sick feelings?

I keep forgetting to take the pills... I feel like I have to keep them on me all the time now or something. I ask my dad if there was MSG in the soup, then he goes and tells me that there's always MSG in our soups. That explains a lot *maybe that's why I keep getting sick when I eat at home foods* if they constantly cook with it. I've told them to stop using it already, but my words like always fall on deaf ears. I would love to cook for the family, only if they accepted and ate what I cook and eat. Apparently beggars can be choosers.

Just ate dinner and feeling sick again. I was feeling sick this morning but it went away and now it's back. *I'm trying to breathe myself through... how do you say... as I sit on the verge of tears*

I've been eating really healthy lately but I guess.... Most of the time is not All of the time and that makes the difference. Ok Ok... I'm going to try to cut out all fatty, sugary goodness stuff. Red Meat. I have to step back from eating bread again. And see how that works out.

An acquaintance of mine asked me if I would like to accompany him and his friend on a road trip to Calgary in June for a car show which his car will be in... hhmmm *thinking* I wonder how my schedule will be like in June. First trip to Calgary is also a road trip... that would be cool! :D It would be a fun trip to film and photograph!

I can't wait to finish my book: Angels & Demons. Before I watch the movie :P ... I really want to get started on my new books :)

The Canucks won tonight ... I sat on my bed wearing my jersey hoping some luck would come of it.

YESTERDAY NIGHT:
I had a roller hockey game last night and my friend John was really nice to give me a ride from the station to the rink and back home. We chatted and he shone some new light on how I was thinking when I was sick ( still sick ) and how I didn't tell a lot of people what I was going through.

All in all in a summary of simple words.
If I don't let the ones that love / care for me know what's going on, how can I ever expect them to be there for me when needed.

My thought about it all is...
How do you tell people that you care for and love; and care for and love you, news that have the ability to sadden their hearts beyond belief? I personally can live with the saddest news possible - if worse comes to worst. But having to burden so many others with my misfortune is what breaks my heart more. It's the sum of all sadness from my individual family and friends that will overwhelm me. In my time and existence here on earth, I believe without a doubt that I rather spread joy and happiness and love. If I must hold something back *especially from the ones I love the most* My way of thinking is... it is for the better...as in sparing them from feeling pain / suffering / sadness...I would [ especially if I'm the cause of it ]. But then reality hits me and I know I can't control the emotions of others. If the worse of the worse happens... ( ie. I was to pass away and I never told anyone I was sick just to spare them the pain and sadness I was going through ) ... who am I to say that not telling them would spare them from feeling the same pain and sadness just as much or even more if I had told them everything. Because if the worse of the worse did happen, then they would have had time to cope with it all if they did know.

I know all this... John was right.
The truth is I had come clean with some of the people that I care for the most in my life, those I loved and those I could trust with my life. I felt they had the right to know what I've really been going through since the beginning of this blog. In my heart it felt wrong not to tell them. They in return... were upset that I felt like I couldn't tell them, they even felt upset with me about the fact that they would want to be there for me. But I went through the ordeal on my own. *smiles* [ When someone tells you that... they WANT to be there for you... feel loved because you are loved. ] I'm grateful to even have that quality of friends in my life.

*deep breathe* *fighting the feeling to vomit* I wonder if my body is relapsing. Or am I having a reaction to something I ate. Should I do all liquids again? to clean my system? UGH.. I think it's time to veg in bed and read my book.
Think of what I should sketch and paint of next.

The thing about artists, though we may seem like we are relaxing, socializing, the best of us are simply looking for more inspiration are minds are always looking for the next creative fix.
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