Behind SyloArts

I was okay most of the day. I think I went through most of it without taking any pills, but you know what. I actually feel better when I don't. I don't know what it is. I'm still waiting for the test results. Am I not sick?? or what. I should go running again. I want to go running SO BAD! I could barely text at work today or msn with friends the work load was crazy. I think I'm going to start the routine of getting red bull now. with some big bottle of water of vitamin water. I want to get breakfast from places around my work, but there isn't any places that are good for you to eat at in the morning, unless I hit up the salad loop. My stomach churns a little as I'm on the train going home. errr. stress... ??? I chat with Darren for a bit tonight, we kinda have chatted a bit on the nights that we don't see each other. He tells me that he's always so happy to talk to me, or just to be with me :) *blush* that's so sweet. apparently people have bee...

I've had a long day. I decided yesterday that I had a couple of things that I wanted to pick up from ikea and asked Darren if he would like to join me in doing so. :) He does. This morning the sky was beautiful. I don't know why there are certain days that make me feel like God is very much around us. I feel it in the warm breeze that blows my face as I walk in a cool of the Spring mornings. I feel it when I see the vanilla morning skies. These are the days that make me strangely feel... loved. I worked all day, I missed my regular bus and made the other one going the other way where I transfer to take it to the station. I get to work on time. Today I spent it training the new girl. Well, just showing her the ropes. We have lunch together. She seems so unsure. She says that I seem to have an unplanned career goal. I tell her everything I'm currently doing. LOL . She seems to change her mind. I very much have goals it's just though everyone needs money, I don't se...

On My Lunch Break: I'm realizing more and more that I really need to be more ... protected. Though I blog, everyone must realize that I don't blog about every little detail that happens through out my day. I don't think anyone can. My memory isn't that great. If someone reads someone elses diary. Regardless if it's in a book or online. There is one realization the reader has to understand. This is NOT the definition of who that person is. This online journal, though a very much a part of me, is not the definition of who I am as a person. I can go from the little fantasy dreamy girl, to the serious artist and the business minded one in a flip of little switches. I don't write full descriptions and don't blog photos of everyone I meet and who I'm with because of the fact that I very much love my friends ( new or old ) and have chosen to protect them to a certain degree. Family members are blogged because this online diary was started on one of those basis...

My weekend was spent with my friend. I'd have to say, though there were a few emotional ups and downs. I was very much relaxed over this weekend. We hit up Richmond as he took me to eat some Taiwanese Fried Chicken with Rice. ( I had been craving KFC this week and this hit that craving too *smiles* ) It was very good. We hit up Micheal's and I purchase a large canvas for a painting for a client. Who seems to want a water effect design for a new series of bottles. I debated if I wanted to go small, but then the more I thought about it, go big or go home. We head on over to future shop. I run out of luck for my search for headset for my iphone, since my original one was broken. ( My friend ends up giving me his since he didn't think he'd need it anyways. I was skeptical when he gave it to me, but he assured me it was universal and would work.. it did. ) He was unable to find a cellphone case for his phone. We were tired out and head on home to rest. He makes crackers, wit...

The day seemed to go by so quickly, where there was just work. Going on and on and on. I'm worried by lunch time, a symptom is back and I don't know how to tell anyone. It's one that is easily hidden. Just as long as I still have my color. I have to silently wait for the test results to come back before anything is sure. I try not to cry as I reapplied my makeup before I head out to meet up with a new friend Ryan. I had arranged to meet Ryan for some time since he contacted me from finding my contact from Youtube. He saw something and had to contact me to meet me. We decided to make it a fun night out of we were to and decided to get tickets for a comedy show. We meet up at the Keg for dinner. I get the honey garlic chicken and ribs. MMmM. I broke diet and I don't care! We then walked over to Lafflines to watch Michael Winslow from Police Academy. The show was cool, I got an autograph photo and a pic to go with it. It was great meeting Ryan, he seemed to have a certain...

Last night Darren took me out to great sushi in Coquitlam to a place on Barnet Hwy. Named Osamu. We ordered some of my favorites to eat. Edimame, Vegetable Tempura, and a dish that was composed of variety of fresh sushi. After dinner we returned to his place and watched the hockey game together. His prediction was dead on about the outcome of the game. He did miss the tie up goal though of the night. He was in the washroom for 3 seconds and missed it. He drops me off and hugs me goodbye. I return to work. It turns out to be a really hectic day as I slowly ease it back to work. Fighting the urge to want to sleep through it all. At the end of the day, I rush back to the lab after work to drop of a little present for them to test. And I head on home, not before stopping the mall to window shop. Looking for random things here and there. Before hopping onto the bus for home.

Today I walked into a medical lab to go get my blood work done, and having to give them the blood sample and stool sample. ( stool sample has yet to be dropped off to them ) I was in another waiting room. This one smaller with more people. I didn't mind going to this lab, because I'd been there before. Five to Six years ago. I notice that people seem to take a number from the dispenser like it's a lottery. What's wrong with some people?! There was another lady that started to complain about how slow everything was going. Why this .. and Why that. I wanted to lecture her childish behavior and attitude. The truth of the matter is that this is a very small lab. If there is only one person working at the front desk, then so be it. It doesn't matter how many people is working at the front desk, whether it be one, two or three. The waiting room will still be backed up due to the fact that there is only limited space in the back where the screening and checks and blood w...

I took today off to get checked out. I get a good morning message from Darren this morning. *smiles* but I was still dreading the fact I have to do what I have to today. Go see the doctor. These stomach issues just aren't fun to deal with. I go on my own. As I walk in and wait in the waiting room full of people ( some times I didn't even have space to sit I just stood there like a weirdo ) I wanted to leave, I just wanted turn and go home. I text Darren. He assures me that it's okay. That I'll be just fine. Well you know how doctors are supposed to be the man in white~! Well my doctor was wearing a Gray Sweater. He came in I said I was looking for a full check up. He suggested a blood test. I tell him what's going on with my digestion problems (* I didn't tell him everything but he ordered some other tests with the blood test anyways to be safe *) He says everything I'm telling him sounds like IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. He prescribes pills. ( PILLS ... ...

I didn't note that that night that I returned home after spending the day with my friend I text messaged DC. His choice to not communicate with me drew the conclusion that he's not the kind of guy I want to be with. I told him I felt hurt from his actions and decided to back off. That this way it saves the relationship of everyone amongst our circles. As much as I did like him. It only takes one action to show me, if he was ever the right one for me or not. ONE.. it just takes one that allows me to see and take that deep breath and move on. Jon, mmm Jon. One thing I can say is that I value friendships I've made through out my life. To make friends and lose friendships are hard for me. I wish him nothing but the best in his life, love, health, and family. I wish him nothing but success in all things he does here on out. My friend Darren texts me today and asks me if I'd like to join him for dinner and to watch the hockey game at his house Wednesday night. Mmmm I say...

I was messaging with a friend Darren throughout the early morning. I called him at 2am to talk instead. He was already wanting to call me in the morning and drag me out for lunch. But I called him first, he was very surprised. But I hope it was a sweet surprise. I don't know why I just decided to call him, I sucked it up and did it. I got him caught up on almost everything that's been going on with me lately. The issue with the crush, a bit of my health, the people in my life. etc. etc. We talked for HOURS! He gave me advice, and more. In the end he kept bouncing back and fourth wondering if I just need time relax before dragging me out for lunch or some kind of meal. He then ends up taking a chance at the day and decides he wants to take me out anyways. Saying we both had nothing but to gain from the experience of one another and our company. (*SO SWEET*). We end our talk and go to bed in the early morning hours. I wake up a few hours later by my mom and I can't seem to go...

Yesterday~ In the morning I woke up wanting to vomit. I wanted to vomit on the bus. But I didn't, I make it to work alright. I get some salad from the Salad loop and what not and just went about my day at work. I talk to Ed on msn about how I was feeling and he seemed so upset with me trying to convince me to get off work and just get checked out. I will book a day off next week and go. It's time to find out. I was supposed to work half day but ended up working the whole day and then some! which totally sucked. I finally hear from DC, who's in Whistler. I feel I've been ignored for about more than a week. Why am I still holding on to faith. I guess cause I can't picture myself with him. A part of me believes we may never even be now. Me being me, I'm always working on a plan B. I really can't just FALL, and just keep falling. That's just flipping stupid. I've worked my heart to be stronger than that. Plus, I'm starting to fall back into single-do...

This is my theory of the heart. Why I got into vent working out instead of moping and vent eating. If the heart is strong, it can with stand a lot. When one experiences heart break, it weakens the heart. So work out ( cardio ) to make up for it. If I feel I am about to be sick, I will work out. If I can take care of the heart. The heart will be strong enough to take care of everything else.

I thought a lot today at work and on the train. I thought about Jon and our deal of not talking to one another for a week. Then I remembered it was his birthday Tomorrow. Should I call and say happy birthday or text. I thought about everything he was going through. It must be so rough. If I can help him out while boosting my portfolio, why not. He makes money as I make money. I thought on the train about being on PoF. There are some risks being me, But look at me. I blog and youtube. Being signed on an online dating thing to meet new people to make new friends. Is this what I get for never becoming a clubber, or a social butterfly through the years? But the truth is, some of my greatest friends that I've come to always talk and keep in contact with were friends I met through online. Asian Avenue... oh you. DC is still in the back of my head. But I'm always thinking What IF, I'm preparing myself for the worse for rejection. I hate that word. REJECTION. Let alone to feel th...

I will show you what I usually get in the mornings when I go to the salad loop. Spinach, some white stuff that's good and I don't know what it is, baby corn, baby carrots, tofu ♥ (so good), some noodle salad mix, some rice salad mix, some fruits and cherry tomatoes. little bit of Potatoes, I love potato salad, but I don't think I can really eat that anymore.

I don't think we can ever go back to anything we ever want in this life. Things we believe we need, or feel we do at least. You know when people say... lets just start over. Can they ever really? Go back like everything that ever happened between them never happened. The good, the bad and the ugly. Lest just record what happened today. I went to work, I walked by that runned over rat with his / her guts everywhere on the road. How did I avoid this situation? I closed my left eye and walked on by turning ever so slightly away from it so I didn't have to see it on the road. I run for the bus this morning, now I think about it maybe that's why I was so tired. The bus driver was nice enough to wait for me. Packed again. I go to work today. My boss had some what of an accident and is feeling worse than before. I think I will have to go into work everyday this week. Even though I'm not feeling 100%. I ordered my lunch from Oysi Oysi, a sushi restaurant by my work. I order ...

That is what I feel like. From DC... ignored. I'm okay but I'm kinda hurt. OK lets press play now. I was walking to the bus stop this morning and I exit my house to spot a pair of runners that I had been secretly hoping that they would meet. It's cute. I smile. There has been this old man and this old lady that go running in the morning. I never seen them together before and I always would say Good Morning to them as I walked by on my way to the bus stop. The old lady would always be ahead of the guy. I had secretly thought it would be wonderful if the two met. But today they were speed walking together away down the hill away from my house :) . Soon after I turn my block and something on the road catches my attention. Curiosity... UGH. I look down thinking maybe someone lost a glove... only to find that it was a dead rat! Gross! Yet I felt kind of sad. I've been this way for a while now. Since the beginning of Summer I guess. I feel bad when I see a dead crow, or ra...

Sometimes I think this is some of the greatest therapy. Communication. JL tells me today an awesome quote that I have to remember. So I shall blog it. "Sze, you don't die at the end of life. You just explode into a firey ball of awesome." Ahh.. Love it. I just love it.

I'm starting to hate the ones that post such sexual comments of disgust on my comments and user channel on youtube. I know that this is something that I have to deal with and I have up to now. The truth is, I really don't care if they make verbal attacks and comments about me. But when and if someone else I'm associated with who is a friend, or someone I know or someone I care for is brought into the attack or accusation as well! I get pissed off! One thing is to attack me... I'm fine with that, direct what you need to say at ME! about ME! and ME ONLY! do not ever, EVER attack someone I love or care for because I will not have forgiveness so close in my heart for you. I'm the kind of person if I ever see someone I care for or love being attacked, as in real life. I will jump in. I will fight. I have before, when my friends are attacked I protect them with my life! I will not hold back. I will say what I feel, think and believe and make the situation turn on you. Y...

This afternoon I weighed in at 110 pounds. after a series of 3 - 1 hour work outs. my abs hurt. I can see it in my face and my body, the slimming and weight loss of 5 pounds. ( I didn't even do much to lose the 5 pounds ). I look at me now once and a while and I wonder who I'm looking at. I still have the tummy pudgy. I guess I have to start doing straight stomach crunches now cause I really would like to live without this tummy fat for once in my life. I'm over at my sister's place. Ethan is so adorable, but he doesn't do anything but sleep! well cause he's a newborn and that's what newborns do. They sleep. He's in my arms for a while. As I sit on the couch. As I move him to his room. I go sit on the rocking chair with him in my arms. He's so beautiful. I sing to him making up a song. when I stop he squirms a little and starts making a little baby noise so I continue to sing a song as I make it up along the way. He seems to find it comforting. I ...

I'm still not feeling 100% but I do feel a lot better than I did this week. I worked out about 3 hours today. Maybe a little shorter but they were through out the day hour long work outs during various times. I feel so much better. But now my abs hurt. I'm chatting with a friend. Jon. I hope that he gets through his ordeal and his divorce well. I know through time his heart will mend. He'll be stronger. Though he doesn't see this now. He will. He has to search for his own definition of his happiness without a woman who was very much a love of his life. But his kids. They should be #1. Focus love there. Exude greatness and love will come to you.

It's been a week plus since New Years. I'm still waiting to hear if he wants to try...to meet me half way. I want him to know I don't care about the animosity that comes our way, I just want to try. To be with him, to see if we have more than meets the eye. My heart feels like it's breaking but faith still lives there. I want to be with him that much. I hate ... sad mornings. lonely good nights. no hands to hold. no one to embrace. not being able to love him. Maybe I'm having stress pains. I'm going back to sleep.

Yeah... never a good mix. I was running in spot.. doing punches and knees ( 45 mins ) and it was only the last ten minutes of my work out I lay down to do stomach crunches where I start to feel it. The tears... I was thinking to myself... 63%... that's not very good. 63%... I got up and started running in spot... talking to Mia's photo that's on my mirror, talking to her in my head. Asking her to be with me through this. I couldn't help but cry.... I keep running cause if I'm more breathless, I'll cry less. I love running. It's the only thing that makes me feel the most...alive.

This nauseous thing lasting this long is a problem but thank God I feel SO much better today! But when talking about it to my boss, he was concerned and said I should go get checked out. Everyone else who I'm talking to is saying the same as well. I KNOW I NEED TO GET CHECKED OUT! I'm just really really scared at what the doctor has to tell me. I'm going to admit something right now. My whole digestion thing and having problems is not new. I always have had stomach problems after I eat. Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner. I can eat healthy meals for months on end and still get sick. I got tired of having upset stomach so much that I would start to skip meals and just have ONE meal a day on the really really lazy days. When I just stay in bed or work at home. I'd just have a Breludin. My mind has been in Do or Die mode ever since this blog started. Everyday I'm a different person, I push, I keep going cause I have to. That's why I'm so bold...bolder.

Without working out? I think in the last 4-6 days I've dropped a couple pounds. I'm not too sure. I put on my tights this morning and I scrunch my face. They're loose. It's a size small- medium how can they be loose? Maybe It's just me. But then again I look at my legs and I think to myself. Have they gotten slimmer as well? They look skinner than I last remember. Then again there's been this thing with me lately like when I look in the mirror, I don't even recognize me. I've been 115 for 3 months now and I'm still not used to looking at me. Just not too long ago I thought to myself as I was video editing... When did I get dimples? Have I always had dimples? I put on my boots this morning. The ones that usually hug my caffs so sexy and again. They are loose as well. What's going on? Maybe it is just me. Through out the day today I look down to my legs as I went to washroom and sat there on the toilet. I looked at my ruffled tights around my knees...

I keep listening to her cd. I love her. Her voice is amazing.

I wake up around 1am ish. Thank God I took the day off. Or I'd be crying at work again. I really don't like feeling sick. I don't like how my family doesn't buy good edible food. If I buy food they eat it all. Which means my house has nothing for me to really munch on. Which means I did try eating... I ate some jerky. Yes. I'm still feeling sick. My dog is sad not being able to come in my room the last two days. His butt thing started again. Gross. Feeling lonely lately. Being sick and all. I wish I could just crawl into bed and cuddle.

I cried at work today, It was my own fault. I'm not feeling very well today, then again lately. Today especially. I'm hungry, but I'm nauseous. If I do eat I feel sick. When I don't eat I feel sick. I look up what this means and it leads me to information that triggers my fear. I cry! I can't help it, I don't want to, the tears just start rolling down my face. I'm not sobbing, just tears. I will never look up health issues at work again. I still have this weird sickly what ever this is! I hope it passes. I pray it passes. I'm going to sleep early, in hopes I sleep it off. Good night world. I hope you embrace my project. I hope for nothing but the best. Hope is all I have left in all things.

I said to God today, if the scratch and win I buy today wins more than I expect it to ( 5$ ) I will launch Project _ To: You. I will post my two videos that I filmed a couple plus days ago. God won. He awarded me with 15$ with my scratch and win crossword. I won back my money and then some from yesterday as well. This video was filmed some time ago. On a night I had decided to let go of someone I'd been trying to let go of for sometime now. I filmed this with the thought of never having the chance to be with him. But by the end of it, my secret popped up in the back of my mind and I thought about everyone else I loved. That if I never get the chance to again, this is where I tell them I love them. www.projecttoyou.blogspot.com

Been working all day. I was meditating half the time, trying to concentrate on work as I fought the pain. I would walk the halls to the washroom. Anything to work off the pain. The cramps that mother nature likes to bestow on me ever month. I come home to find that it's time to upload another youtube video. This time I'm asking How Much Is Too Much? Make Up. I uploaded this video as I chatted. As it processed I went and mopped and cleaned. As I was cleaning the mop pads I thought to myself. I don't hate Trevor. I don't think I can ever hate him. I hate moments he has taken from me. Moments that made me cry. Moments I can't have back. I forgive him. Those moments are passed now. It's time to make new moments with someone that actually wants to be with me. That's who I should to be with, someone who wants to be with me just as much as I want to be with them.

I saw this music video sometime ago and watched her perform during the new years musical performances during new years on TV. I love her songs. Listening to her in the arms of someone I care for made that moment extra special. Artist: Colbie Calliat

When I started this blog is when I really started to worry about my health. Not much people know that. The big secret of why I started to eat right, go lose that unhealthy weight. Started blogging, started YouTube ing. I'm feeling more tired these days, easily tired out. I didn't feel this way when I was in Toronto (wait, now I think about I did). But I did go to bed earlier. But when I wake up in the morning to go to work downtown and work and by the time I'm heading home I'm already tired. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. But I push on, cause I don't want to lose any time and continuously working on. Blogging, Filming, Writing, Singing, Designing. Living.

I'm tired of the X. How he has the ability to break me. To make me feel so sad, so upset, to make me cry. I've become so emotional. I want to respect his wishes but his wishes come at the cost of my happiness of my love. He broke up with ME! He controlled that moment. I tried to break things off with him before and he said NO.. He controlled that moment. I want to see someone I've fallen for ( the sad coincidence I tell him is that he's a friend of his. ) and he says NO. He is controlling this moment. Even though we aren't together anymore. This is so stupid. I fell for his friend because of all the little things that the X never showed me. Qualities of a man I really want to be with. Qualities he lacked. I feel like just cutting my losses. Because I've become so emotionally drained from crying here and there. I should simply let them have their friendship. ( and the face-friendship that me and the X seem to only have now ) I will remove myself from the pict...

In the middle of my morning blog I get a call that my sister is going into labor! She's in labor for 1 hour and 15 minutes and Ethan came into the world. He's beautiful. Baby boy. Came in to the world 1:17pm @ 7 pounds. I was so upset at my dad as we went to the hospital and he didn't want to pay for parking. He wasted the time to go drive around to just drop me off in the front of the hospital. He continues to make strange comments as we waited in the waiting area and he left before the baby was even born. *honesty* I didn't think I would be by myself ( single ) when my sister gave birth. I always thought I would have a loved one by my side to share this joyous occasion. I realized. Life is full of surprises.

I spent the last couple hours taking a step back. At first I cried for me. Then I cried for them. Who them? I'm reading the first book of a four volume book which was created and compiled by three authors, one of the three was my teacher when I went to the AI of V. After stopping around half way of the first volume, after swearing here and there from disbelief, shedding some tears here and there. I came to realize I should be grateful. I never lived in war, I was never raped, I was never beaten to the point of near death, I should be grateful for what I do have. I am. Then I break again, I cry because of the thought that I can't love the person I want to love. The person I've wanted to love for so long. I think about one of my biggest secrets. I wonder should I break it, just tell everyone. It's not much of a secret since a handful of people know now. This secret is just a thought but it pushes me to be how I am now. It makes so much sense to those who know. Why I...

I didn't think I'd feel this way when he tells me he needs some time to think now. I don't want to hate the X, but I'm starting to. I feel like telling him to forget that we even happened. Just let me have my happiness. I keep tearing and I can't help myself as I write this. I have to step back in my mouse hole for a while now. I felt loved this morning. Now I feel blank.

The day started like any other. but more dressy because of my plans to go to dinner and a new years eve party. I changed them to spend it with a little someone who asked me early afternoon to spend the night with him since he wasn't feeling so well, coughing and etc. It was unexpected to me he would ask me to spend the evening with him watching movies. I couldn't say no on the fact that I said I was going to tell something very important. I go over to his place and cook him dinner (I hadn't eaten lunch and was starving! at this point). What I was going to tell him I didn't really need to, since he felt the same to. We watched. Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs. The movie was so funny. I loved it. After that we watched Zombie Land. Why? I must ask, why did they have to put a clown in it! We counted down together like we had did last year as well, but this time it was just us together. This was the most intimate new years I've ever had. Ringing the new year with some...