Monday, May 17, 2010

Beliefs

My father believes that creativity can blossom in a dark chambered room with a small window that lies 5 and a half feet underneath the earth. That only works for a selective few in this world. The incredibly paranoid mad geniuses of the late 1500-1700's. I am neither incredibly paranoid, mad, or live in the 1500-1700's. Genius... only time can tell.

I need to go to Micheal's / De Serres Arts soon and do something risky. Spend several hundred dollars on large pieces of canvases. If I do so, this guarantees that I will paint right when I feel like doing so. I just set it up and paint. The environment I am in at home reminds me constantly why I'm now saving 1 grand a month. As those may believe I have a lot of "room" to paint at home. The art tables that are supposed to be my art tables are constantly filled up with OTHER people's items as they just simply find space to put something on. It's just a disregard of respect for me in this family. It's really all I take it as. I would no go and place my jackets and hang them from my brothers weight set, I would not go and place books upon my mothers sewing table. I would not go and toss news papers in my fathers car. What is mine is theirs and what is theirs is theirs. Freaking depressing... and it's only a matter of time I get out.

Something interesting happened to me today. It was rather strange but still. It's time to go home. I'm waiting at the elevators and I stand there in wait with a white guy waiting for the elevator as well. I say out loud... "yay... it's time to go home!" then he replies... and a conversation ensues. We chat about how he has friends coming in from Toronto... and etc... As we step out of the building and carry on our way down the block.. he asks for my name... I give it cause I'm polite, his name is Gary. I blog it so it helps me remember. Then he goes and says, he's noticed me... lots and lots of times. *Thinking* wow.. that's something weird to say to someone ... OMG... I don't ever remember seeing this guy till today! *end of thought* I ask which company he works for and turns out his office is just right next door. Strangers are only friends you haven't met yet... right? We part and say our good byes at the end of the block. Then my look down to wonder why I have no more music coming from my headphones? Why isn't the light on my phone coming on? Why is my screen blank? Why is my phone not coming back on when I hold down the power button? What is going on? I walk down and set my things down at Jugo Juice. Shawn ( aka. good looking Jugo Juice Guy ) smiles and waves at me. I am in sheer panic... OMG what's wrong with my phone - mode. Just as I tell him there's something wrong with my phone... I look down to see that it's turned back on. The magic of Jugo Juice Guy. You amaze me.

I'm starting to feel discouraged on wanting to date ... or even start. Why? Because I feel like I've just settled most of the time. There is no chase anymore ... There's no excitement and fun. Frankie made it fun, that's why it's memorable to me what he did. How he did it was because he's not even in the same city. I can only imagine if he was. Wow. I would feel so much more .. special. See right there. That's the thing... Special...I no longer feel special...special enough to be wooed...special enough to get flowers...special enough for anything...I have yet to feel truly special through a significant other for a long long time. *sigh* The only time I feel this now is when a man waits for me to first enter the elevator, or even to get on the bus. Gary did this today... it was nice. An old man did it the other day at the bus stop. See, if these small little gestures are very appreciated ...man, I would be a sucker for the one who tries to woo me. But they still have to meet my list of requirements to even be considered *I know it's strange to have a list* but it draws where the line is, it reminds me not to falter and just settle of any Joe schmo. Everyone has to have standards.

Ladies today just don't feel all that special anymore. Sometimes they result to erratic behavior to feel special ( aka. girls who seem desperate to men ). Sometimes men can't tell the difference when a girl who is simply looking for physical affection, or an actual relationship. Sometimes these ladies come off head strong and the lines get blurred.

Blurred lines... I hate blurred lines.
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