Thursday, May 27, 2010

Down -then- Up

Life will always serve you downs but don't ever let them get to you because for a down is an up.
I'm still reading Love As A Way Of Life. Some may think this is all about love as in love life.. well you're partly right because it's all about understanding yourself and how to change yourself of the best and in hopes to understand the bad relationships as well that occur. One of my personal twisted relationships is probably one with my father. I've blogged about him and I need to learn how to speak his love language and come to know why our relationship is so awful. One is... I now know is that I've grown tired of him and have lost my patience. My sister says just sit there and listen to what he has to say and when you're done just leave. But that's not love, I'm not contributing, that's just being a good listener. I have no way to listen and respond because when I usually do it's considered being disrespectful. ( Asian family house hold ). One of my biggest current issues is my father is constantly saying to me is that I have no friends and that I have no clue on how to keep my friends. Now, my dad has never really expressed "true" meaningful conversations with me in the right context. For example. Years ago my dad tried talking to me about sex once but never really said the word "sex." He kept replacing it with - "you know"- I knew what he was talking about but it's just really weird talking about sex from father to daughter. See now when my dad says "friends", does he really mean "friends" or does he mean "boyfriend" cause my relationships have been failing. I'm sorry dad, but if you really mean "boyfriend" when you say "friend" ... is it really that bad if I choose not to settle for any guy? - for just any joe schmo? You simply can't say that it's 100% my fault when my relationships don't turn out the way they do, it takes two to tango. I can't just hook line and sinker any guy into being my husband. I don't live in the same circumstances as you once did when you and mom found each other. We no longer live in the small town, in a small city, in a small country. And to be honest, I really don't want to emulate the relationship you and mom have with one another. That's NOT what love should be, let alone a marriage. Well not in my eyes. Second of all - You can't really speculate that I have NO friends either cause I have lots of friends, I can make a lot more friends everyday, and for true friends. We all know true friends are few.

Now - Now, I know I shouldn't let a man that barely knows me judge my whole existence. My dad however has always been the only one to push me to the brink of thoughts of suicide. Sad - right? It is.

I've come to the conclusion that I have to learn how to love my dad, how to communicate with him. He lectures and lectures. Telling that everything I practically do is wrong, but the way he communicates his emotions, thoughts and feelings are wrong as well - which in turns makes me react and put up my wall of emotional protection. This wall of emotional protection can come off as being disrespectful but a person can only take so much verbal abuse and what he seems to say that is advice. Some of the weirdest advice any parent can give as well. Example. "Don't eat raw vegetables, the pesticides cause cancer, so always cook your veggies. Don't buy pre-packaged veggies. Don't drink bottled water. Did you listen to the news? " That's just a few things he said to me today. He has to stop worrying about what MAY affect us and focus on what IS effecting us, as a family and in our household. Not so much as to how the OUTSIDE world is trying to get us. That's what and how I feel about him. You can't explain a painting as a whole without breaking it down and focusing on it's details. You can't appreciate the whole, unless you appreciate the finer parts it is made up of.

Personally I've learned I have to be more patient with myself. I'm patient with a lot of other things in life, but I've grown to be impatient when it comes to me. Especially in the aspects of love. Which in means I'm going to try my best to take things back to zero and actually appreciate the little finer things that come with falling in love / finding love. I'm going to be honest to say that this time around I really feel like everything is so foreign in the sense that when it comes to dating again I feel like a newbie. I start to find myself asking and trying to remember now. Is it appropriate to kiss on the first date? to hold their hand, to snuggle up to them? What? ... Now as a full grown adult going back into the dating scene with a new heart and outlook on life. I've returned back to a girl that's basically never done this before ( even though I have ... dated ... what I mean is to returning and starting from scratch ) The last relationship I was in, it felt like we just clicked and there wasn't very much of this ... discovering one another as in going out and having fun and enjoying one another and each others company. We simply fell into being with one another. It was very fast paced and it left us a little jaded. This time I want to savor the moments, the discovery of why I'm falling if I'm falling in love. What it is about them that makes me taken. Cause then it won't be something that just passes in a moment. This time I'm loving purely. Which means *smiles* a lot of these days my days have been in the NOW. I'm more focused on the now then the THEN. My brain won't even allow me to spend too much time now thinking and dwelling. Moments of the past flash like queue cards in my mind and that's it. It's over in a snap of a finger. Emotions are not attached and if they are they are felt for a second. My heart wants to move on now, it tells me I need to because I deserve it. I am fully ready because I've learned that there is no reason to remember the hurt of it all, only the love. What has happened has happened and you can't go back and hope it happened any other way because you'd spend too much dwelling and than living. If I love purely, I will love with a new heart, it will allow me to focused on whom I'm loving at that moment in time, not who I used to or could have. A good control of my emotions and memories and mental well being are the only things I really need to build myself as a strong human being. It's all you can have, rely and hope for when everything else gets stripped away.

Personally you have to learn to ask yourself.
What can you live without? What can you let go of? What is the most important to you?

My answer would be me. I can let go of everything else but me. I should be the most important thing in my life. Because when I am able to see things clearly, honestly, openly and lovingly. My life will improve and I can then improve the lives of so many more around me.

I think that's what I saw in my date the other night when we were at the hospital. There was this one moment in time when he turned to suggest to me it may be better for me to wait out in the waiting area as he went to go look for his friend. When he turned me before we went our separate ways our eyes caught and at that moment I was taken -  ( now - now, I didn't fall in love ) there was a moment as though time froze for me. My brain thought - wow, this guy seem so handsome to me right now- I believe what I saw in that instance was his sincerity. A quality that so many of us don't hold true to anymore.

*smiles* I don't think I'll share this revelation I have of him with him. *shy* then again his friend knows about this blog and if he so chooses so - Jason - to tell him. I have no objections. It's what I believe and feel - and to be honest, I really am secure enough to be alright with it, if he found out.

I was feeling pretty down this morning and it was him that actually made my day turn around. Well after work I missed the bus and went on my "white heels" search again. I however didn't find them but I did get work clothes and some casual shirts. One blazer top for work and sweatshirt style top. I have to share with you all my t-shirts because one of them I'm thinking of using for my FREE HUGS video that I want to shoot eventually. One was just too super cute not to get! Oh yeah and I completed a crossword today for the first time ever. But I kind of cheated cause I asked what something meant and googled info on two things. One day... one day I will be able to complete it on my own.


I think I will explore some lunch places as my last date suggested I should do as I work downtown.
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