Thursday, May 06, 2010

If Anything

We met when we were 12? He was my first love ... ( when I mean this my first bf ) ... our relationship was based on mutual admiration. I know this cause we never kissed or was intimate in that way with one another when we were youngens in love. But after all these years of knowing him. It is our conversation in the car ride home that makes me see him in another light. See... I've always had faith that Nicki was smart, but he barely showed it. But when he was advising me tonight...he was right.

If I feel the slightest bit of anger with Trev still... then I'm not ready. ( I was kinda pissed he would even imply that I still cared about him ). I'm not angry about that at all. It's just it was time wasted on my end, sticking it out in a relationship that was destined to fail. But I'm slowly learning to let that go. I've already forgiven the worse ones in my book. Trevor should be one of the easiest. Maybe it's harder because he was the longest. But the things I've gone through. It should be easy. If I can forgive an ex that did such wrongs to me, such as the ones that cheated on me, or even one that tried to force themselves on me sexually. If I can even forgive those assholes and come to terms and try to be friends with them again. It should be easy to forgive the other wrong doings that men may have bestowed onto me.

Maybe that's why I miss Darren. I'd felt like I'd found someone ( thought at first was still angry ) ... I let go in the process of the past. I was content with him, and thought of only him.

The only way to really get over someone ... is to find someone that matters more.

I always feel so ugly for feeling anger towards someone, or hate, envy, or disappointment. these are feelings I don't need in my life. I kind of feel like they are emotions that poison my soul. I need to be as understanding as possible for me to see clearly all perspectives. I've been blinded for a while. But sometimes I feel a bit bothered when I seek answers, and I get nothing in response.

Now more than ever I really must learn to let go. bit by bit I've been doing this through out the months. I let go of wanting anything with DC, now I've decide to let go of Darren in a sense. Parting my heart emotions for Frankie... that I came to deal with during my Toronto trip and the week when I returned. Trev... I don't know what to feel about him anymore really. I care about everyone I've ever loved to a certain extent, that even I would never want any harm come to them physically or emotionally. But that's just the angel in me talking. That's just me.

The woman in me, is smart enough to see that even without these men. I am still as strong. I felt mighty with them by my side of the thought that could be. But I know... That I'd do just fine without them.

But then I wonder. Was / is it not better to have and receive my love. Than to never have known it at all? I am just right here.

Just recently...I do feel I'm doing more of what I've been wanting to do, buying what I've always wanted to buy, wearing what I like to wear without anyone else telling me otherwise. Freedom in a sense of personal interests. I'm also making more on the effort to grow not only in ... learning how to drive a car, doing things on my own...but I need to see life in a different way. I really do need to strive for what I need to strive for.

The truth is. In my mind. I feel like I have at least 3 years... to accomplish the biggest goals of my life or that's it. It's game over. My list of 100 things are not in priority order. I couldn't tell you what is the least or most important goal I have .. yeah I could.. art show is number one but I would also love to sit here and blog about how great i felt today that I didn't feel the least bit sick... but I can't.

Yeah Nicki, I do think a lot because...Life is that short.
yes, I do think I need to go see the doctor again and tell him this time all of the symptoms. No, I don't feel like I may be doing that in the next week... I'm going to try to stay with my pills till they are all finished up and see if they do really really make me just as sick or they actually do help me. I do feel I need to make a promise to myself to remain ... relationship free for the time being or at least three months ( cause well I, receptive as I am, grow and learn really fast ) three months can go on to being more...but I'm not a man like so many of my friends. I may love hard, and get heart broken...but I learned to take chances with love because those who sometimes don't may let the love of their life pass them by without knowing. without realizing till they are gone. I wonder sometimes if anyone has / will come to feel that I am the love of their life that they let slip them by. Or if someone was simply too afraid to take that chance with me.

Life is short.

I'm just currently afraid to find out... if I have shorter than expected.
If anything, I can deal with the lost of a love relationship verses the lost of my life.

couldn't you? Isn't the love for yourself greater?
In the last seven months I have thought about it all.
What if I DID have IT. How far long is it? how would I tell my family? How would I tell my friends? Do I fight it? Can I fight it? If I can't fight it and it's too late to, Should I tell my family? Should I tell my friends? Would it hurt less if I didn't tell my friends? if I let them go on living their lives cause then... in the end it's like ripping off that band aid. It wouldn't hurt them as much.

I am still here. I have my good days and bad days and good weeks and bad weeks. I've come accustomed to the feeling sick once and a while and take it as it is. I still hope for great love and most of all I hope for a great life.

Nicki, you were right.
There is no sense in thinking about things that make you feel sad, or angry..or what not. Why waste time like that?

Life is short and there are so many things I could be doing.
Like snuggling up and sleeping.

G'morning. G'afternoon. G'night.
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