Monday, May 03, 2010

Life Experiences

Everyone grows up differently and experience different things. Some by choice and others by the hands of fate. I think I lead mine more in the hands of fate than choice. Although I'm trying to change that. But what the hands of fate had already dealt me has changed me and molded me and my principles.

Though me and my siblings grew up together, we grew up very differently. They have the experience and memory of more family than I do because I'm younger. They went to a different high school than I did, and were in different social environments. They partied, drank and did drugs. ( and don't comment and lie my brother and sister cause I was there to help you through your aftermath days ). And that experience probably was made me decide not to do what they did. I've never been hammered, nor drugged up, or party hardy ( and when I did party it was mainly under their supervision or in the sights of someone one of my siblings knew ). But these life experiences don't really mold you, unless you're addicted to two of the three things I've listed so far. But they aren't "necessary" experiences in life that may help you attain whatever life goals that people strive for in life. Those experiences are by choice. I still have a choice to experience them. But I believe it's the unexpected experiences that are the ones that shape us.

I've had to deal with people passing away in my life that affected me more, compared to my siblings ( at a young age ). Because these people weren't family. We don't have a lot of family here, perhaps a handful. See, these people who passed away in my life were more in my life than theirs. Teachers and friends.

The Art Teacher - I don't believe my brother and sister had to slowly witness one of their mentors slowly become more ill through time as I did. Nor ever had the chance to hear such words of wisdom and encouragement from someone that has the ability to see more potential in yourself than our own parents. She molded me and advised me to believe if I focused hard enough and found my own style and perfected the old. I could surpass perhaps even her. I have yet to try to surpass her. But I paint in memory of and for her. I'm sad when I have no inspiration to paint...but I know when I do, every stroke counts for something, it means something to me.

The Math Teacher - Mr. Sebastian was my Math12 teacher when I was in grade 11. There's one thing... I sucked at Math 12. The last class I had with Mr. Sebastian before he passed away, we had gotten our tests back and were working on some problems in the dreaded "red book" of equations. Me being me, always hated to ask for advice but I sucked it up and went to him to see what I was doing wrong, I even questioned him if I should be in his class at all. I was on the verge of tears, I've never gotten such a low mark on a math test in my life! Mr. Sebastian, with him looking like Mr Santa Clause looked at me with a grin and assured me not to worry. That most of the class had failed the same test I had...he advised me to do the questions ( circling the ones I needed to focus on ) and that he would be there to help me through them if needed. Lastly he said to me. "There are always second chances." The next class, we were advised of his passing. I couldn't help but look down at my red book and wonder..."who's going to help me now?"...and are there second chances? ...

I know now there are always second chances.

Ray - I personally won't get into the details with his death. But the last conversation we had together was about what we were thinking of doing after graduation or what we wanted to go into. And some strange promise to sign one another yearbooks that year cause we had missed out on one another when the school year ended last. Ray's death made me change the perception of friends, family and people. I realized I needed to surround myself with the right people who knew the difference between what was really right and what was really wrong. I first met Ray in Art class, there was always something about his eyes. I couldn't put my finger on it. We weren't close friends, but we would say hi, and talk once and a while. The quality of friend Ray was was this. He would always say hi, or even wave hello no matter how far or near you were in his sights. He even honked and waved at me when I was waiting outside for a ride one day as he drove by in his car. I appreciated those greetings. Strange really. I would remember our hellos and good byes.

Mia - Two years since her passing, I realized one thing about myself. That my word knows no bounds. I promised her the last time I saw her that I would play roller hockey. That I would play for her. After she passed, I bought her gear, a jersey, a helmet and a hockey stick. I've been playing roller hockey ever since. This season is my third to honor her. I do it for no one else really but my word to her. The only thing I really worry about is how I'm going to get to the games since I don't drive. First game of this regular season.. I lugged my hockey bag onto the bus and sky train down to a sky train station where a friend would picked me up to bring me to the arena and back. When I was walking down the street towards the bus stop with my gear on my back and my hockey stick in hand...I looked up at the sky which at that time the rain had turned into a light sprinkle, I said..."for you, so you watch over me today, like always." Yes...I was talking to her. In the pregame warm up...I skated round like always, practicing my crossovers like how she taught me...I felt confident that day in my skating for some reason, I didn't even fall that day and most importantly ... I scored. I truly believe she was watching me.

There are things that happen to me in my life that one ... you can explain, but there are those that you can't. How things just happen a certain way.

Love in the life experiences, unless on the receiving end. Is a choice experience. A choice on who you want to love and how to love them. I've experienced heart break of what ever kind. I've felt so loved before, so betrayed, so violated, so abandoned. But I'm starting to abandon "the one" love theory. Actually I don't think "the one" has ever been my theory...because I love so much and so many and sometimes even the little things in life. If I didn't the little things would never have the ability to bring a smile onto my face. Love of and towards "the one" man for now will be abandoned in my world for now, till one is worth the notice or undivided attention.

Choice VS Fate -
It's my choice to grow...but fate has a large part in how it shapes us as well. Because in life, nothing is certain about what the world around us will throw at us, but the certainty lies within your choice on how and what you decide to choose. How to deal with it, how to go on... How to adapt to the chances that fate brings. You can't control fate, but it is fate that brings us the choices. Choices to change our lives for the better, filled with sadness or love. That choice is what makes us experience life and grow.
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