Monday, May 10, 2010

Trying Not To Stress

it's after dinner... I'm about to get ready to pack up and go to another roller hockey game this week... two in the span of 3 days... I've never done this...

But I'm feeling sick again. The discomfort in my stomach... just like last night.
My dad yells at me at the dinner table because I refused to accept he soup... I had told my mother three times + .. "no I would not like any soup please", "No I don't want it..." "NO I DONT CARE IF IT"S GOOD I DON"T WANT ANY!" and she still poured me a bowl. My father lectures me for a bit about how communication... because I said we very much lacked it in this family. He says communication... I asked you why you went to the doctors and you didn't tell me what was going on. [ I had told my dad the doctor said it was IBS. ] He doesn't know what that is... and can't seem to wrap his head around it.

How do you tell your parents who while growing up never really took care / looked over your well being... ( Thinking you came up alright ) [ my parents never brought us for general check ups each year * doctor or dentist * ] So most of the time what me and my siblings went through were arms away of neglect... OH don't get me wrong, our parents fed us ( not very healthy food, but they still fed us... dressed us... although I must say... my brother and sister were the ones that dressed me more, considering I got hand me downs from them, because our parents never really took us shopping either. And my parents wondered why I was almost taken way by child services. When I say... my parents didn't really raise me... they didn't, my brother and sister did. More my sister that's why she's so super awesome to me.

Back to communicating with the parents.
*what was really on my mind what I was on the brink of saying*
"Oh Dad, you know the cancer that grandpa died of, and great uncle... well I've been feeling symptoms of that cancer on and off for a couple years now... I wasn't till recently like... 8-9 months ago I looked online all the symptoms because I realized I was feeling sick too often and they were all symptoms of that cancer. That's my big secret dad... the last 8-9 months of my life... I thought I could possibly have cancer... because when I went in for my regular check up I thought that all those tests can detect signs of this cancer in my blood, in my urine and fecal test, but they can't. So since I'm still feeling sick time to time and the pills that the doctor prescribed me don't really make me feel any better. Sometime soon I have to go back and tell the doctor everything, all my symptoms and the fact that this cancer runs in our family, a fact I didn't know when I went in for the check up the first time ( making it higher percentage of getting it regardless of my age ) ... There you have it. I thought I had cancer. Is that enough communication for you? What else do you have to say to me now besides your usual remarks like... what I do is what I do to myself, or that I'm fat, or that I'm of no use, that I don't listen. Does it ever bother you? that you barely spent quality time with me? barely held me? barely conversed with me? barely did things for or with me? Does it bother you that ... you may think you've expressed love to me... when I clearly feel like you've barely ever have. I've learned to pull back on my own, I've learned to watch and be silent and listen. I've learned to Love Myself, I've learned to do things for myself by myself. I've learned not to ask for help. I'm not rebellious in doing so, it's only because you ( mom & dad ) have showed me it's the only way I can survive in this family. The way I am at home, is not how I am in the real world, the real world seems a little warmer to me."
*walk away*
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